Exploring the 10 Commandments: The Fifth Command
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“Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).
This might be one of the most well-known commandments. Parents eat it up. We love to have a verse in there about respecting our roles. However, what does this really mean? Does honoring parents apply to young children as well as adult children? How can we teach this concept to our children, while also being obedient to it as adults?
This week in our study, we will learn about the fifth commandment: honor your father and mother.
What Is Honor?
The word here in Exodus 20:12 for honor is kabed. According to the Old Testament Hebrew Lexicon, kabed means, “Heavy, great/important, burdensome.” In other words, we should have great value and respect for our father and mother. There should be a weight of honor that we bear for them.
Honor could look like:
- Responding in appropriate ways even when we disagree.
- Obeying them (when we are children living under their care)
- Speaking kindly about them and to them
- Playing our role in the home (doing chores, helping out, etc.)
- Showing gratitude for the ways in which they provide for us
Webster’s Dictionary defines honor as “recognition, a person of superior standing, integrity.”
Does honoring my father and mother mean I will have a long life? Obviously this is not a guarantee. It is more of the concept that honoring your parents and obeying their instructions can lead to a long life. Case in point: remembering your parents’ instruction to “look both ways before crossing the street” or “don’t eat that, it is poisonous” could very well be moments where honoring their voices leads to a longer life.
How Does This Related to Adult Children?
Sure, this command is pretty straightforward for children, but what about adults?
Before the fall of humanity, God ordained that when a boy became a man, he would leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (Genesis 2:24). A new family is born when a man and a woman marry. They might have their own children and be honored by them. However, what does their relationships look like with their parents? Or for another example, what does this parental relationship look like for an independent single woman who is out of her parents’ home?
The concept of honor does not go away. However, I would argue that the concept of obedience does diminish. Psalm 127:4 teaches that children are like arrows. Have you ever practiced archery? You pull the arrow back with the bow and steady it towards your target. You hold tightly to that arrow and aim with precision, then in strength you release that arrow towards the goal set before you.
Godly parents should have the goal of raising a child to know Jesus (Proverbs 22:6) and releasing them into adulthood. In a similar way, an adult child has been released from the authority of parents. However, they still respect and cultivate that relationship. They might honor them by seeking out wisdom from their parents, or listening to their stories from the past. They might honor aging parents by providing a place for them to live under their care or the care of another. They might honor them by respecting their thoughts and opinions, even if they are different.
Matthew Henry adds, “Endeavoring, in every thing, to comfort parents, and to make their old age easy; maintaining them if they need support, which our Saviour makes to be particularly intended in this commandment, Mt 15:4-6.”
Honoring a father could be thanking him for how he provided, discipled, and cared for your family so well, especially now that you are older and understand his sacrifices more fully. Honoring your mother could be appreciating her selfless love through cooking, cleaning, and raising you to know the Lord. These are just two examples, but many parents play different roles that we often do not fully understand or appreciate until we become older ourselves. Part of honoring them can be the gift of gratitude towards their sacrifices over the years and celebrating their faithfulness to your family.
What about Honoring Hurtful or Abusive Parents?
In this verse we see Biblical evidence of God’s design for a household. One Father, one mother, and the child (or children). In a day when culture is running away from the original design for a family, it is important to acknowledge that the Lord who gave us His 10 Commandments included one with honor for a father and a mother. This type of marriage is blessed by Christ. It is sacred because it points to His love for the church. The role of a father is unique from the role of a mother, yet both play a crucial role in the development, security, and long-term wellness of their children.
Maybe you do not come from a background with both a father and a mother. Perhaps you have grown up in a divorced home or with a widowed parent. Maybe your parents have chosen lifestyles that do not line up with God’s design. Or you might be from a single-parent home.
Whatever your history, you have been given wholeness in Christ Jesus. Maybe your parents did not deserve honor. There could have even been abuse involved. If that is the case, I want to apologize for their sin that hurt you. This was not God’s hope or heart for you.
It is easy to agree with honoring your father and mother when they are worthy of respect or have been great parents, but what if that has not been your story? How do you live out this commandment?
1. Honoring Does Not Mean Supporting
You can honor your parents without supporting their decisions. You can have an attitude of respect without respecting or agreeing with their actions. I think about King David before he was king. King Saul at the time was literally trying to kill him, but David refused to hurt Saul because He was God’s chosen leader at the time. He instead trusted in the Lord to move and work out his situation (1 Samuel 24:10). He honored King Saul, but he also set healthy boundaries with him to avoid being hurt or worse. (Take note from this example: if you are unsafe at home, get out and get help.)
2. Honoring Does Not Mean Obeying
If a parent is ever asking you to sin, then your responsibility is not to obey that parent, but to obey the Lord. Honoring them is not a command to obey them. However, if a parent is giving instruction that a child does not like or that sounds unfair, then obedience is part of honoring them.
“But Peter and the apostles answered, ‘We must obey God rather than men’” (Acts 5:29).
Obeying Jesus trumps obeying parents. We honor God above all. Honoring God leads to honoring our parents, but if our parents do not honor God, we must always choose Jesus first. In fact, some have been disowned or endangered by their own families to follow Jesus. He responds with blessing to them (Matthew 19:29).
3. Speech Seasoned with Honor
The people who know us the best can often be the ones whom we easily hurt the most. It is common for children of any age to respond with dishonor towards their parents. The words and tones we use say a lot about if we are following the 5th Commandment, and ultimately if we are living by the power of the Holy Spirit.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6).
We can speak kindly of our parents or we can gossip and slander them. Part of honoring them is understanding that they too are sinful people who make mistakes, and we have much grace to give. We love each other, we have been blessed to have a family, and our words can honor or tear down. May we be the kind of children (or adult children) who honor our parents with our speech and our lives.
The Ten Commandments List
Commandments 1-4
Thou shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images. (Exodus 20:4-6)
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. (Exodus 20:7)
Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. (Exodus 20:8-11)
Commandments 5-10
Honor your father and mother. (Exodus 20:12)
Thou shalt not murder. (Exodus 20:13)
Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Exodus 20:14)
Thou shalt not steal. (Exodus 20:15)
Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. (Exodus 20:16)
Thou shall not covet your neighbor. (Exodus 20:17)
Jesus summed up all of the 10 commandments. As we look at commandments 1-4 they are vertical, about our relationship with God (Love the Lord your God). As we look at commandments 5-10, they are horizontal, about our relationship with others (Love your neighbor as yourself).
This week, may we honor our parents, whether they deserve it or not. May we choose to speak kindly of them, show gratitude towards them, and care for their thoughts and opinions. The family unit is a gift from God and may we always be thankful for that and ultimately honor the Lord for being our Heavenly Father.
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The 2nd Commandment
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards
